The Obama administration has announced today that it will complete immigration reform by the end of the year.
Unidentified and unverified sources have said that the Obama administration has already begun development of the online implementation of a mass immigration system.
The system will require that every legal citizen to be chipped with a GPS locator pre-registered with the NSA, thereby passing the need to get information via Google and Twitter.
How does this help the implementation of immigration reform? Those without a chip will not be able to access any government-funded buildings, parks, or space stations. Also, they will be not be able to access HealthCare.gov, like everyone else.
The new system will also allow the government to get rid of border patrol. Because every legal American will be chipped, regular police officers will no longer need to worry about profiling. The lack of a chip will provide the necessary probabey cause to get those illegals out of their BMW’s and into their own country.
The deal was passed in the back rooms of the White House during the shutdown, while the country was distracted by news that federal parks, monuments, and agencies were closed. In actuality, the parks, buildings, and other federal services had to “shutdown” so they could be equipped with high frequency sensors.
While Republicans and Democrats appeared to be fighting with each other this past month, they were actually fighting together against a common enemy: undocumented people.
So where does the website come in?
Every signal received by the NSA monitored chip sensors is transmitted to a federal database. Any border protecting patriot will be able to order their own sensors from a new government website: WeHere.gov. After you register the sensor, you can access the data received through that sensor through the website, or its phone application: InstaCheck. In short time, all illegal immigration problem will be solved.
Fearing unnecessary collateral damage to animals and plant life, the EPA and PETA have blocked the most excited part of the proposal which would have integrated a drone enforcement program where weapons are deployed, pre-programmed to identify un-chipped human targets.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This article is satire, ok.